Never Let Me Go
by hoovahoopah
Summary: And the arms of the ocean are carrying me... Maureen Pagolis/Ellie Cain. Crackship, ahoy. Maureen is from the L&O: CI ep Albatross. These things happen sometimes.


_Looking out from underneath_

_Fractured moonlight on the sea_

_Reflections still look the same to me_

_As before I went under_

Ellie's hand was splayed across Maureen's stomach, her other caressing the outside of the senator's thigh. Her lips trailed a line of searing heat down the column of Maureen's neck and she could feel her shivering. Maureen's hands pressed against cool marble, supporting herself against the expensive furniture. Her knees had threatened to buckle the moment Ellie had pushed her forward in the front hall.

"I've missed you," was all she said as Ellie's hand found its way up her skirt. Her grey eyes met Ellie's own hazel in the gold-framed mirror above the credenza, and her lips parted around a moan as Ellie's fingers found their way beneath Italian lace.

It was hurried and fumbling, and Maureen felt like she was falling when she came. She grasped at the sharp edges of the marble, Ellie's hips moving against her as they moaned.

_And it's peaceful in the deep cathedral_

_Where you cannot breathe_

_No need to pray, no need to sleep_

_Now I am under, oh._

Maureen lay sleeping beside her, the sheets draped unceremoniously across her lower back. She slept soundly on her stomach, her hands beneath the pillow and her auburn hair falling in waves across the crisp white linens. She was even more beautiful in sleep.

Ellie's eyes traveled the soft lines of the senator's back as the hours crept by and she knew when the sun rose, she would feel Maureen's absence in this bed even more keenly than she had before. She knew she would watch, still curled up beneath the plush down comforter, as Maureen slipped back into her dress and stepped into her shoes. She would protest, as always, rolling to the edge of the mattress so Maureen could kiss her goodbye. She would whine until Maureen kissed her again and her dainty hand would slip beneath the sheets. Ellie's whines would turn to mewls until she came, her back arching gracefully in the early morning sunlight. Maureen would smile then, stroking Ellie's fiery hair until she was calm. She could barely suppress a soft moan and her heart ached at the thought.

But the clock read half past one, the city was still dark outside her bedroom window, and the senator slept peacefully beside her; so her heart was still again.

_And it's breaking over me_

_A thousand miles onto the sea bed_

_Found the place to rest my head._

Their first time had been desperate, Ellie clawing at Maureen's back as she arched up off the bed. Leopold's absence was fresh and filled her with an emptiness she'd never known. Her lips were insistent against Maureen's and the other woman answered Ellie's _please_ by slipping her hands beneath the silk of Ellie's blouse, by pulling her closer, by keeping her close. Maureen had held her afterward, stroking her hair as she cried, smearing mascara all over the crisp white pillowcases and onto Maureen's freckled chest.

Maureen had lulled her into sleep, allowing her a few hours of peace. When she woke, they'd made love again and Ellie took her time learning each inch of Maureen's body, thanking her for the things she wasn't quite sure she was ready to say.

_Never let me go, never let me go._

_Never let me go, never let me go._

Ellie was curled against Maureen's side, the sheets tangled and cold around their feet. Maureen's hand covered Ellie's against her own stomach and she shifted slightly, trying not to wake her.

"Maureen?"

Her heart fluttered when Ellie spoke and she smiled. Ellie's voice was small and childlike and Maureen pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head. "I'm right here."

"Don't go," Ellie's hand curled beneath Maureen's, and she moved impossibly closer in the dark. "Don't let me go."

"Never," Maureen replied, stroking Ellie's hair. "Rest, my love."

_And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,_

_And all this devotion was rushing out of me_

_And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,_

_The arms of the ocean deliver me._

Leopold was home, safe in his bed, and Ellie stood in the doorway watching as her baby boy slept peacefully. He had her nose and his father's strong determined jaw, and Ellie saw Conrad when she looked at him. He was so like his father and yet, the things Ellie hated about Conrad were endearing in this child, their child.

Her phone hung from her hand and Leo rolled over in his sleep. He was thinner and his pajamas hung from his wiry frame. Ellie lifted the phone to her chest, fingers hovering over the number three, Maureen's assigned speed dial number, and she pressed it without thinking. It was late and Maureen picked up on the fourth ring. Her voice was thick with sleep and Ellie wasn't even sure if she was awake.

"Ellie?"

She heard the rustling of sheets and Maureen's stifled yawn, "He's home."

"Oh, thank god," Maureen cleared her throat before continuing. "Is he alright?"

"As alright as he could be," was Ellie's hushed response and she turned back into the darkened hallway once more.

"And how are you?" her voice was warm and Ellie could see her somber expression when she closed her eyes. "Are you alright, my love?"

Ellie nodded, wiping a few stray tears from her cheeks, "I'm fine. Almost elated. But I keep thinking how strange it is, to love someone so much that you can't breathe, that you'd do absolutely anything for them. And then to have to be afraid that you may never see them again."

"I wish you didn't have to fear that," Maureen's voice was like the softest of silk and it had a way of wrapping Ellie's heart up in it with the simplest of words.

"Sometimes I feel that way about you," Ellie confessed into the darkness, feeling the weight of the diamond on her left hand.

"About me?"

"I'm afraid you'll realize this is wrong and that I'm not what you want, that this will all be over," Ellie slipped into Aubrey's empty room and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I need you as much as you need me," Maureen's voice lowered and Ellie gripped her phone tighter in her hand.

"You're like air to me, Maureen," she whispered.

"And I breathe you with every breath," Maureen finished, a smile in her voice. "Sleep, El. I'll be here when you wake up. I promise."

_Though the pressure's hard to take,_

_It's the only way I can escape,_

_It seems a heavy choice to make,_

_But now I am under, oh._

It was the middle of the day, the sun bright through Ellie's bedroom windows as Maureen lay beneath her. One of the senator's hands gripped her hip as the other moved between her legs. Ellie's gasps were soft and her eyes never left Maureen's.

Maureen stared up in wonder, watching as Ellie's back arched, and the sunlight made her eyes even brighter as she came, she was like the brightest sun, this woman. Maureen's eyes traveled the graceful lines of Ellie's neck, the freckled skin of her chest, down to the gentle curve of her breasts and then back up pausing to admire the soft swell of her lips, swollen and full, until her eyes rested on Ellie's once again. Ellie's hips moved against her hand and she gave a sharp cry before leaning down to capture Maureen's lips with her own.

"I love you," she whispered, her hair falling and tickling Maureen's rosy cheeks. "I love you so much," she murmured, finally letting her weight rest atop her.

_And it's breaking over me,_

_A thousand miles down to the sea bed,_

_Found the place to rest my head._

"I'm so sorry," Ellie's voice was hushed as she sat at the kitchen counter. Conrad was working late and Alice and Leopold were in their rooms. "I know how close you two were." She had seen the news, everyone had, Judge Layton was dead.

"Thank you," Maureen's voice was tired, her throat was raw and her eyes burned. She had been making funeral arrangements all day and her shoulders slumped forward from exhaustion. "I can't believe he's really gone."

"I'll be there, tomorrow. For you."

"I appreciate it. Tommy... is part of the reason I am where I am," she sighed. In her free hand, she held the judge's eulogy, and her eyes scanned the page. "Ellie?" she said after a moment, suddenly distant.

"Yes, Maureen?"

"I don't... I don't have a good feeling about things."

_Never let me go, never let me go._

_Never let me go, never let me go._

"I need to see you."

"I can't," Maureen's voice shook, so did her hands. "Not now, Ellie. He suspects something."

"_Maureen_," Ellie pleaded, and Maureen felt her heart break all over again.

"I... I'll try. Later," she felt her hands shaking as well and she let her phone clatter to the counter. Her hair was wet and she watched the droplets of water fall to the marble of the bathroom floor. George was asleep in the next room and Maureen was thankful for that at the least. She pulled her silk robe tighter around her shivering frame.

This hadn't been the first time George had taken without asking, and after the first few times, Maureen had closed her eyes and willed herself somewhere far, far away as he grunted above her. This time she fought back, but George would always be bigger, stronger, and she feared her protests would only make things worse.

She had cried out in pain, her knuckles white as she gripped the sheets in her fists, and that's when she had felt George's hand closing around her delicate throat. He'd never been so violent, and she had looked up at him, her eyes wide and terrified. He had smiled that sinister smile and she felt her blood run cold. This was not the man she'd married.

"Don't think you've been so careful, Mo," his hips slammed against hers and she was gasping for breath, her hands clawing at his wrist. "Who is it, Maureen? Who's been _fucking_ my wife?"

He had finished with a low groan, his hand at her throat finally going slack as he collapsed on his side of the bed. Maureen's hands moved up to her throat and she managed to make it into the bathroom before she was on her knees, retching. She had showered, twice, and had scrubbed her skin raw, but she couldn't get rid of George's gin-soaked breath, hot against her face, or the smell of his cologne.

_And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,_

_And all this devotion was rushing out of me_

_And the crashes are heaven for a sinner like me_

_The arms of the ocean deliver me._

Maureen was curled around Ellie, breathing in the smell of her shampoo, the soft grapefruit of her perfume and something that was so uniquely Ellie. Her arms around Ellie's middle tightened and Ellie murmured in her sleep.

Maureen was wide awake, staring out the window at the city below. She hadn't yet allowed Ellie to touch her, she tensed at the thought, and she knew Ellie had seen the already forming bruises at her throat. She hadn't asked questions, but allowed Maureen to curl up under her arm and that is where she stayed.

_And it's over,_

_And I'm going under,_

_But I'm not giving up,_

_I'm just giving in._

The sun was just coming up again when Ellie felt Maureen's lips at her neck. She shifted slightly as she felt the other woman's hand slip beneath her sweater.

"Need you," Maureen mumbled against her, her fingertips brushing against the underside of one of Ellie's breasts. Her hand shook against Ellie, George's anger still fresh in her mind, and her heart ached.

"Maureen?" Ellie's voice was small and she could feel Maureen, tense against her side.

"I'm okay," she murmured, squeezing her eyes shut against the soft glow of the morning sun. "I'm okay," she steadied herself, her fingertips tracing the lines of Ellie's ribs. "It's okay."

She gave a breathy moan as Maureen's fingertips trailed down her stomach and slipped beneath the waistband of her skirt. She smirked at Maureen's soft gasp upon her discovery that there was no barrier between her fingers and Ellie. Maureen nipped at her neck in response before she latched on, sucking gently at the soft flesh above her pulse. She arched her back, canting her hips upward in encouragement and Maureen took the hint. Her fingers slid lower, sweeping through the wetness between Ellie's legs. She paused to circle her clit, her touch feather light, and she delighted in the desperate whimper that escaped Ellie's lips.

Ellie's legs spread wider and she moaned when Maureen flicked her tongue against the sensitive spot beneath her ear. "Oh, Maureen," she gasped, one of her hands moving beneath her sweater to cup one of her own breasts.

Maureen gave an answering moan as she relented, pressing two fingers inside the other woman. She reveled in the soft sounds Ellie made as she moved within her, and she watched Ellie's hand move beneath her sweater. "Let me see," she murmured before she nipped at Ellie's ear.

Ellie was all too eager to comply, tugging the cashmere up until she had exposed the deep green silk of her bra. Maureen's eyes were hungry as she took in the sight before her. She watched as Ellie tugged at the silk until it was resting just below her breast, "Ellie." Maureen could barely contain herself as Ellie began to touch herself. Her fingertips moved across her breast, her touch still light and Maureen could feel Ellie shiver.

Maureen's fingers moved faster and she added a third as Ellie's cries grew louder. She pressed her thumb against her clit, and Ellie's back arched sharply in response. Ellie gasped, writhing against the sheets, forcing Maureen's fingers deeper and she could swear she saw stars when she came. Maureen's lips latched onto Ellie's neck as her orgasm ebbed, and her fingers stilled. Her thumb circled her clit and Ellie's chest heaved as she tried to regain her breath.

"Maureen!" she whined, digging her heels into the mattress. "Oh, god. Maureen."

Maureen's hand slipped from Ellie's skirt to rest against her stomach and Ellie's hand moved to rest over it. "You're beautiful."

"Kiss me."

Maureen lifted her chin to press a gentle kiss to Ellie's jaw, murmuring an 'I love you' against her. Ellie turned her head to press her lips to Maureen's, and she smiled a slow lazy smile.

"I love you too," Ellie pulled back with a yawn and Maureen's lips found her cheek.

"Go back to sleep," Maureen murmured, curling up against Ellie's side again. "It's barely light outside."

_Oh, slipping underneath._

_Oh, so cold, but so sweet._

"Say the word," Ellie murmured, her arms wrapped around Maureen's waist. "And he's dead," her nose nuzzled the angry bruises covering Maureen's neck. "I have people."

"Let's not get too dramatic," Maureen murmured, stroking Ellie's hair as the two stood near the window. "If you were to get caught, then what would I do?"

_In the arms of the ocean, so sweet and so cold_

_And all this devotion I never knew at all_

_And the crashes are Heaven for a sinner released_

_And the arms of the ocean_

_Deliver me_

The two walked side by side, Ellie's hands were shoved deep into the pockets of her black coat, and she stole glances at Maureen every now and then. Maureen's arms were crossed over her chest, and her lips were set in a thin line.

Ellie had called, Conrad was out of town and oysters, wine, and Balthazar's bouillabaisse seemed the cure for the feeling of winter grey that seemed to be creeping into every empty space in her life.

Initially, Maureen had declined. They had stopped meeting for drinks or dinners, preferring to stay in, and out of the public eye, but something told her things were moving toward a somewhat bitter end. Between George's growing suspicions and the investigation surrounding Tommy's death, to Ellie's growing neediness and the growing wedge between her and Conrad, things had been strained to say the least.

There had been a few lingering cameras outside the restaurant, Maureen seemed unable to escape the horror of the tabloids and Ellie was certainly no stranger to prying eyes. Ellie's hand at the small of her back as they'd walked inside had been chaste and they discussed their children, their friends, as if they hadn't in months.

"What's wrong?" Ellie had stopped, her spoon midair as Maureen pushed her plate forward the tiniest fraction. She had barely touched her lamb, and she fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Nothing," Maureen shook her head, her fingers moving to the strand of pearls around her neck. "I'm fine, Ellie."

Ellie arched one eyebrow and set her spoon down again, "Don't lie to me."

"I'm just," Maureen paused, looking outside for the briefest of moments. "I'm stressed, what with the ongoing investigation and my longer hours as of late. It's nothing, really. I promise."

Ellie was unconvinced, but reached for the glass of merlot just above her plate. She regarded Maureen over the rim of her glass, something had changed recently, her eyes flitted about and she never seemed to be sitting still.

The rest of dinner had been quiet, Ellie didn't flirt, nor did she bother to ask after George. They left in silence, keeping enough distance between themselves for a good few blocks until Ellie grew restless. Her fingers were near frozen in her pockets and her cheeks were numb and rosy. She stopped, waiting for Maureen to do the same.

"Ellie, what's wrong?" Maureen was a few feet ahead and she hadn't bothered to turn around.

"I'm cold."

"Then walk faster," she snapped, finally stopping to glance back at Ellie.

Ellie's eyes widened, not once had Maureen been short with her. "Excuse me?"

"Ellie, it's cold, I'm tired," Maureen sighed.

"You know what? Fine, you go your way, I'll go mine."

"That's not what I-"

"It's how you've been behaving from the moment we headed downtown, Maureen!" Ellie felt her hands clench in her pockets. "You don't talk to me, you don't answer me when I ask what's wrong, and when you kiss me it's like you aren't even there."

Ellie looked so impossibly tiny, standing in the middle of the empty sidewalk. Her red hair whipped about in the wind, and the evening shadows loomed around her. Her lower lip trembled in that way that it did when she was upset, and Maureen could tell she was torn between anger and sadness. Maureen felt her resolve falter and she closed her eyes for a moment. "Ellie, I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Ellie's shoulders hunched forward and she felt the air between them thicken. "Oh... _Oh." _She took a step back, feeling as if she'd been slapped.

"Ellie," Maureen moved forward, her arms outstretched.

"No. _No._" Ellie shook her head violently.

"We can't... I'm _married_, Ellie."

"To a man you don't know how to love anymore," her eyes narrowed and she brought one hand up to push her hair out of her face. "It's too late for that," she glared. "Try again."

"Ellie, I'm sorry," she tried to pull the smaller woman toward her, but Ellie fought back, wrenching herself from Maureen's grasp.

"Don't," she shoved her hands back into her pockets. "You can apologize for the rest of eternity, for all I care, Maureen. And you can make any excuse you'd like, but it doesn't matter. Because George didn't matter when you told me you loved me and he certainly didn't matter when you made love to me. What changed."

Maureen fumbled for words, her heart aching as she reached for Ellie again. "I love you, Ellie. I do. Please, try to understand."

"Understand what?" Ellie went rigid as soon as Maureen's hands closed around her shoulders. "Understand that suddenly a future with George looks bright and fulfilling again?" She tried to pull away, slipping on a patch of ice. Maureen pulled her close then, her arms wrapped tightly around Ellie and she could feel the other woman shivering against her. "I thought I loved my husband," Ellie's words were muffled by Maureen's scarf and she closed her eyes. "I thought I'd never need anything else but Conrad, Maureen. You've changed all of that, but it's not as if I can offer you anything else. Leopold and Alice need me, they need their father. And you, you're Senator Maureen Pagolis, you can't leave George, you can't offer me anything either. So, I stupidly and selfishly thought things could just continue, because shouldn't this be enough? When you're with me, you're not lonely, you aren't hurting, and when I'm with you, I feel so... whole. I took a risk when I fell in love with you, but I thought the gamble was worth it because I trusted you when you told me you'd never leave."

"Let me put you in a cab," Maureen mumbled, stroking Ellie's hair with one gloved hand.

"No, I can get one myself."

"Elliot," she kissed Ellie's forehead, her lips warm against her cool skin.

"Please don't," Ellie closed her eyes against the tears she now felt streaming down her cheeks.

"Let me call you tomorrow," Maureen murmured, her grip loosening.

"No," she finally stepped away, looking up at Maureen. "No, please don't call."

"I want to know you're okay."

"I'm not. I won't be. But you just gave up the privilege of knowing."

Ellie turned, heading back toward the restaurant, her chin tucked against her chest as she fought off the January wind. Maureen could only watch helplessly, her heart thumping in her ears as she buried her face in her hands.

_Never let me go, never let me go._

_Never let me go, never let me go._

Maureen didn't call and Ellie wasn't sure if she was grateful for the respect or angry that Maureen wasn't fighting her.

Conrad hadn't asked questions when she'd slipped into bed, shivering despite his warmth against her back. And he'd pretended to be asleep as she gasped for breath between silent sobs. The next morning, she woke alone and she burrowed beneath the blankets until Leopold had come to wake her.

She could still feel the gentle brush of Maureen's fingertips against her cheek and she didn't emerge from the warm cocoon of blankets until Leopold ran down the stairs. She'd spent the day in solitude, the children off at school and Conrad in meetings all day. He worked late that night but she was still awake when he'd tossed his tie on the settee and turned on the bathroom light.

"Are you in this or not?" he asked, his back to her as he turned on the faucet to brush his teeth. "Because, god damn it, Ellie, this is Hell."

"I've been in this since we were practically children, Conrad," she watched the muscles in his back as he raised his toothbrush to his mouth.

"Then quit treating me like second best."

"I'm sorry," she said softly, looking up at his face in the mirror.

He inclined his head, a nod of acknowledgment, and that was it.

_Deliver me._

When Maureen did call, Ellie picked up without thinking, without even glancing at the screen. She had shopping bags precariously balanced on each arm and Madison Avenue at rush hour had become a nightmare.

"Hello?" she nearly dropped a few bags as she paused to rifle through her purse.

"Ellie?"

She froze when she heard the senator's voice, her heart stopping as she came to a screeching halt at the corner. A few businessmen jostled her in their haste but she didn't notice. "Maureen."

There was silence.

Maureen cleared her throat awkwardly, "How... how are you?"

"Fine," was Ellie's terse reply. She lifted her free arm, glaring at the full cabs that whizzed by. "I'm _just. Fine._"

"I need... I need to see you."

Despite her anger, Ellie could hear the desperation in Maureen's voice. She felt her heart splintering in her chest, but she steeled herself once more. "It's been a week, you haven't called, you haven't bothered, why should I?"

"Because I need you, Ellie." Maureen took a deep breath and her hands shook. "I've never needed you more."

"What, more bruises I'm supposed to kiss away?" she regretted the words instantly and she squeezed her eyes shut as a cab stopped in front of her, she was late for dinner.

Maureen's hand clenched in her lap and she closed her eyes.

"I'm a little busy right now, Maureen. And I've-"

"Ellie!" Maureen's voice was hoarse, raw. "I haven't asked anything of you in a god damn week, just please. Please."

Ellie slid into the back of the cab and she sighed heavily. "Where?"

"The Waldorf."

They'd made love, clinging to each other in the darkened hotel room. Maureen's kisses were desperate and her grip on Ellie's hips was too tight, but Ellie didn't care. Maureen's kisses turned reverent and her hands moved along Ellie's milky thighs with startling care. "I missed you," she breathed, her breath hot against Ellie's neck. "I missed you so much, Ellie."

She cried, gasping for breath, as Maureen's fingers moved deep within her, and she could swear she felt something shift between them again. Her back arched violently as she came, and she cried out as Maureen's teeth sunk into her shoulder. Her cheeks were wet with tears but Maureen held her close, gathering her to her chest as she cried.

"Oh, Ellie. My sweet Ellie."

_Never let me go, never let me go._

_Never let me go, never let me go._

The children were thundering down the stairs, despite her explicit instructions that they not run around as if they were a herd of elephants, and Ellie was just passing through the kitchen to retrieve a cup of coffee when Maureen's face flashed across the TV. She tried to listen over the morning commotion, but suddenly it was as if everything was moving around her on mute. Alice sped around the kitchen, but Ellie heard nothing, Leopold asked about an out of town debate tournament, but it didn't register. She managed to pull the words "upcoming trial" from the news report, but she didn't understand. She hadn't spoken to Maureen in over a week, both her own schedule and Maureen's were packed full, and whilst Ellie wondered why she hadn't called, everything suddenly made sense.

She'd sent the children off, the foyer a flutter of backpacks and incoming deliveries, and she retreated to the solace of her room.

_Deliver me._

Bayview was cold, the whole place echoed, and the grey lifelessness of the walls made Ellie uneasy. For the first time since she was five, Ellie dragged her feet. Her black ballet flats shuffled noisily down the never-ending hallway, and she hadn't even realized they'd stopped walking until the guard ushered her into the small visiting area. She sat down, resting her palms flat against the tabletop, and she closed her eyes.

She heard Maureen's gasp before she saw her. She was afraid to look, afraid of what she might find in Maureen's eyes.

"Ellie?" Maureen's voice was soft, shaky, and Ellie nodded.

"It's me," she kept her eyes trained on the table. "It's me."

"Oh, Ellie."

"I wasn't sure if you'd see me," She finally glanced up, her eyes meeting Maureen's. She looked tired, worn, sad, and Ellie longed to wrap her arms around her, to murmur apologies while she stroked her hair. "I wasn't sure," she faltered slightly, looking down again. "I don't know what to say, I don't know what I can say."

Maureen sat slowly, her posture mirroring Ellie's. She was quiet for a moment, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I couldn't tell you, I didn't want you involved, after all that's happened, I couldn't do that to you."

"I understand why you did what you did," Ellie's voice lowered and one of her hands began to inch forward on its own. "I just wish I could have been there for you. Conrad called George," her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "They've been meeting, talking, but I couldn't see him. I didn't want to choose sides in front of them, with them watching me, because you know I would always choose yours."

Maureen's lips twitched as she resisted the urge to smile, she felt more uncertainty than ever before. "I... Thank you, Ellie."

"You're my friend, Maureen," Ellie's hand slid forward further and as her wedding ring caught the light, she managed not to wince, but she wondered was that all they were. She closed her eyes briefly, remembering what things had been like before, and she rejected those memories vehemently. She couldn't go back to that, she couldn't sit across from Maureen at a benefit dinner and pretend she had never fallen in love with her. She couldn't pretend unless she was protecting them, protecting this.

"So you've said before," Maureen murmured, her eyes focused on the suddenly gaudy ring on Ellie's left ring finger.

Ellie watched as her hand continued to slide across the table until she could reach out with her pinkie, brushing it against the outside of Maureen's hand. The moment she felt warm skin against her own, she gave a soft gasp as her heart leapt up into her chest and her eyes began to burn. She wouldn't cry, she couldn't cry, not here.

She looked up at Maureen, watching as the other woman blinked back tears, her eyes glassy. Her posture turned rigid, her spine straightening awkwardly as she tried to remain calm, composed, ever the politician.

"Maureen," Ellie whispered, suddenly powerless to the ache in her heart. Her other hand came up to swipe at her eyes, "My Maureen."

"Oh, Ellie," Maureen's voice was hoarse and her fingers twitched. It was all she could do to keep from grasping Ellie's hand tightly in her own. No touching.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry."

"Oh, Ellie," Maureen repeated, her voice lowering as the guard approached, "I love you."

_Never let me go, never let me go._

_Never let me go, never let me go._

"I don't know what to do," Ellie's voice was hushed, despite the near empty room. "My marriage, it's falling apart. When I'm with Conrad," she sighed, looking up at the fluorescent lights above her head. "It feels all wrong, like I'm cheating on you... with my, with my _husband_. And I can't go through with it anymore. So we fight. We fight all the time now. We fight about Leopold's schooling, about Alice's extra circulars, about the god damn weather, and we fight because I can't... because I won't _be_ with him. What does that mean? That I can't even... my _husband_, Maureen. What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, Elliot," Maureen's hands gripped the edge of the table, her own wedding band tight and cold against her finger.

"Tell me what to do," Ellie demanded, more fire in her eyes than usual. "Tell me what to do, Maureen."

"I can't do that," Maureen managed to keep her voice even. "You know I can't."

"Maureen!" Ellie cried, burying her face in her hands, her sunglasses falling off the top of her head and clattering against the table.

"What do you want me to do, hm? Should I tell you to leave him? Would that make you happy, Ellie? I'll be in here for another five years, if I'm lucky, and where would all that leave you?"

"Tell me to leave him," Ellie pleaded, looking up at Maureen in despair. "Or don't, tell me to stay, just _help me_."

"I can't," Maureen bit out, meeting Ellie's eyes with steel. She was rarely angry anymore, and when she was, it faded to a looming empty sadness that tugged at the seams of Maureen's carefully constructed armor. But this, this was something else entirely.

"All I can think about when he's," Ellie was bordering on hysterical and she paused to take a deep breath before lowering her voice. "All I can think about when he's touching me is _you_. What does that say about me? About my marriage?"

"Don't ask me, Ellie. Ask yourself. You already know all the answers."

Ellie crumpled before her, utterly defeated. "He's the father of my children," she spoke softly, reaching for her sunglasses. "How do I walk away from that?" She played with the temples of her glasses, eventually shoving the frames back onto her face.

"I don't know," Maureen watched, her hands falling into her lap and she wrung them nervously.

"And what if I leave him?"

Despite the dark lenses, Maureen knew Ellie was staring intently at her.

"What if he agrees to a divorce?"

"Then... Then I suppose I'll have to call George."

Ellie raised an eyebrow as she tugged at the sleeves of her cardigan and stood up.

"To have him sign... I've had divorce papers drawn up for some while now."

"You... You'd call George."

Maureen nodded, looking up at Ellie. "It would be done."

"And then?" Ellie crossed her arms over her chest, suddenly feeling all too exposed.

"And then it's you and me," Maureen nodded again from her seat at the table.

"You and me," Ellie repeated, pushing her glasses up into her hair. "I'll... I'll be back in a few days, Maureen."

"I know."

_Never let me go, never let me go._

_Never let me go, never let me go._

She wasn't sure whether or not packing a few bags would be considered too dramatic. Nor was she sure if packing a few for him would be presumptuous either. She briefly wondered if she should consult her cousin, she was on what? Her fifth husband?

Ultimately she decided to pack two bags. The Goyard luggage Conrad had given her for their first anniversary. She truly wasn't trying to be ironic, it just happened. She kept them tucked behind the closet door until after dinner that night. Until Conrad settled in on that large leather sofa in his office with the paper.

She stopped at the door, setting both bags down with as much grace as she could muster. How exactly did one leave their husband? She'd been asking this question all day.

"Conrad?"

"What's wrong?" he noticed her tears before he noticed the bags. "Oh."

"Oh?"

"I wanted it to be up to you, it's always been up to you," he reached for her then, taking her shaking hands in his. Always warm, always strong.

"I'm sorry," she let herself fall into his embrace, looking for something that was no longer hers. Something solid. "I'm so sorry. Forgive me. Please, forgive me."

_And it's over,_

_And I'm going under,_

_But I'm not giving up._

_I'm just giving in._

The park was blanketed in white, the streetlights glowing golden in the dusky December light. Ellie had slipped out of bed that morning, knowing her Christmas errands were not quite complete. Maureen had protested, weakly demanding that Ellie stay in bed for at least another hour, it was Christmas Eve, after all. But Ellie shook her head and headed out onto the snowy Manhattan streets. She'd wanted to walk, wanted the time to reflect. Things had changed, she had changed, but she was happy, content even.

Marriage hadn't quite been on Ellie's mind, things didn't need to be quite so complicated, nor had she and Maureen ever spoken about it. They'd both been married, for quite some time, and now, they'd just begun to settle into whatever this was. But the unmistakable sparkling coming from the windows at Fred Leighton caught her eye on the walk home. And suddenly there was something heavy and light all at once in her pocket, something with no gift receipt.

She found Maureen in front of the tree, a large and stately pine Ellie had picked herself. It sparkled and shone, and Maureen sat beneath it, curled up in an antique armchair. "Alice was convinced you were going to miss dinner," she turned to look at Ellie, hair wind-mussed and wet with snow. "Set your bags down and sit with me a moment," she smiled and Ellie did as she was told. "You're freezing, Elliot," Maureen opened her arms, making room for Ellie.

"It's December," Ellie gave an affectionate roll of her eyes and nuzzled Maureen's neck.

Maureen gave a soft yelp, "Cold! Ellie, stop."

"Something happened today," Ellie finally rested her cheek on Maureen's shoulder, playing with the ends of her hair. "I like it when you leave your hair down."

"It feels tragically casual," Maureen murmured, her arms snaking around Ellie's waist. "What happened today?"

"I did something impulsive," Ellie curled further into Maureen, bringing her knees up to her chest. "I got you something. It can mean whatever you want it to mean, nothing is set in stone, and whatever you decide, I won't be upset." She pulled the ring from her pocket and she held it between her fingers, rubies and diamonds sparkling in the dim light.. "I saw it when I was walking home, and I wanted you to have it. Because it's you. And it's me."

Ellie pulled back to look at Maureen then, blinking back her own tears as the other woman did the same. "Ellie, it's beautiful."

"I want to build a home with you, this home, our home."

"Home," Maureen let the word roll around in her mouth for a moment before she reached up, slipping the ring onto her finger with a shaking hand. "You're my home."

_Oh, slipping underneath._

_Oh, so cold, but so sweet._


End file.
